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@ 2020-02-23 01:51:00

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Garastāvoklis: optimistic
Mūzika:satellite by lena

hmm
l'oiseau

sleep schedule is still fucked, i mean, it is almost 2 am and i don't feel tired yet. monday will be oh so great because i will have to get up at 7:30, yay me. i just came back from a walk, spontaneously wanted to leave the house, so i did. very peaceful in a way (minus paranoia of being followed), the streets were practically empty. i got up at 2 pm today, which is literally just 12 hours ago, which would explain why i don't feel sleepy. today was also my sister's 15th birthday, chatted to her for about an hour, which was good, our conversations are literally the craziest and randomest bullshit ever, but at least we are laughing almost to the point of crying. when i think about it, it is kind of weird not to be around her on her birthday. after sharing the same room every day for about 14 years it's still sometimes unusual to not wake up with her just 2 metres away. i have caught myself whispering "to her" (in reality i was in my empty room here in halls) in that half asleep, half awake state, which shows my subconscious is still living my old life to some extent. anyway i am just glad i don't feel sad or as if i was as far away as i actually am. time is going by fast enough, and in about 5 weeks i will be back home for some time. the social media thing didn't work out that well today, i did use it from time to time, but i found it much easier to limit myself. i got quite a bit done today, spent the first half of the day going over presentations and making notes for my cinema module, then read an interview and revised everything in preparation for an online test. took the test about two hours ago, got 96%, which is very good. i found the revision process quite peaceful, maybe because i actually enjoy learning this stuff and it doesn't feel like a chore. however, tomorrow i have to work on french and i have been putting it off for god knows how long, and i really don't want to do it mainly because i'm so uncertain about the whole process and how to approach it. hopefully i will just be able to sit down and get it done. i can already tell it would take so much stress off of my shoulders. fingers crossed everything goes well! the depressive episode is in some kind of transition state i think, because i was able to get work done today, it's just that i am still very much isolated from everyone and want to remain that way. not to even mention the mess that is my sleep. i guess i'll try to read something extremely boring (looking at you, history...) in hopes that it will make me exhausted and my eyes will just shut and i won't have to trash around in my bed for 2 hours like last night. i'm staying positive.



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