koi ([info]koi) rakstīja,
@ 2019-03-05 13:51:00

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Garastāvoklis: okay
Mūzika:when we were young by lost kings


staying home is great from the perspective of getting needed rest and stuff, but for me it basically means wasting the day away by doing nothing productive. i rewatched some of emma blackery's old videos and paid attention to the one where she talks about having no sense of self. whilst i understand that i do not have such a severe condition like she does, a lot of the time i feel like i am not truly *myself*, whatever that is. currently i am trying to defend me being the way that i am with the fact that here in latvia i am restricted to some degree, because i just cannot see myself changing my persona completely whilst still going to my school. i cannot imagine how my friends and classmates would react. this is to do with the fact that for most of my life i have cared way too much about others opinions of me, which is only healthy to some degree. i want to be able to post selfies if i want, for example, or to openly express the fact that i am into k-pop currently, or wear the same clothes for 3 days or something, because some times i just do not give a single fuck, and sometimes everything else is dirty. the one thing i am mostly sure about is my love for languages, mythology, philosophy, psychology etc. i feel like, to most people at least, k-pop+philosophy=impossible? i mean, i do not really have a way of checking this, but i feel like the vast majority of people cannot imagine those two things going together. i feel like if i mentioned that i am into philosophy and languages, i would get a certain respect from other people, up until the point i would mention k-pop. and i kind of get it from their view as well - i do not know if this taught to kids or something, but my first thought hearing someone likes, for example, generic radio music, or, idk, wrestling, usually is something like *wtf why are they interested in that, that is so lame*. i try to get rid of this thought, but it is not always so easy. i am not a very opinionated person, i often adapt to other people's opinions, but there are certain things that i do not like at all and i somehow cannot grasp the idea of anyone liking them, BUT, after a person explains their reasons for liking a certain thing, THEN i can understand and respect them. i once read this post which said that your first thought is what you have been taught, your second thought defines who you are, and i believe it to be true. because, believe it or not, i sometimes get shocked when i see a person of another race (shocked as in a kind of negative way), but then i snap out of it and realize that goddamn, they are people just like me. i have accepted the fact that i am not straight (i am mostly demi i think, but i can experience attraction from the first sight as well, i just would not ever get into a relationship without getting to know the person first), but sometimes i STILL catch myself judging someone based on their sexuality (by that i mean something like *wow that behaviour is so gay, i bet that person is gay*), and then i snap out of it and start mentally scolding myself. i think as long as people acknowledge these toxic thoughts and realize that they do not define them, our society should be fine. it is simply ridiculous that sometimes the biggest lgbtq+ haters are lgbtq+ themselves...it is 2019, it is time to embrace our identity and find people who would not shame us for it. by now i do not even know what is this rant. if i get the money from overpaid taxes, i will fucking buy some merch, i do not know from which artist yet but i really want something, i want to be able to feel confident and show others what i like. might buy pewdiepie's merch because it is about fucking time. and, to build my confidence more, i will make this post public. maybe someone needs to read this rant. à bientôt ou dans un million d'années, qui sait.

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