koi's Journal

mleh
l'oiseau

so, i think i am finally on the right path. for the past week and a half (or so) i've been keeping myself busy with running various errands and meeting friends, and also taking time for myself. i finally read a book for myself for the first time in like seven months! that felt really good. i've been preparing for uni as well, sending various e-mails and arranging things. i've been seeing angel numbers everywhere, for example, this post showed the date and time full of 2's. i think it is all a sign that i am doing things right and everything is falling into place.
regarding uni, i've got a room ready for the time i arrive, no matter when that will be. and, i will be living with my friend chris and one other person, which is so good for me (i value my privacy and time alone very much, and living with just two other people sounds perfect to me). the house is incredibly nice and it is very close to the campus, the town centre and various stores, so it is all looking good.
this week i met up with luna's bf A for the first time (like, just the two of us). it went incredibly alright, i realized we both had been quite similar people in the past, and we've both arrived at the same conclusions at similar times in our lives.
i am continuing this on the fourteenth of october. i think i started this post on the 22nd of september, so quite a while ago. some things have happened, some have changed. it is funny how everything was going so well, then i went to see my therapist to kind of have a checkpoint, and then everything started spiralling back down again. i am so surprisingly calm about all the uni work i have not done, it is almost scary. like, i am at least two weeks behind on everything but i know i will figure it out, like i always do.
i am still seeing angel numbers and somehow i feel like everything is still happening the way it should. i have not seen any of my friends for 3 days now, which may not seem like a lot, but i am used to meeting at least one person every day. i think i want to stay in my tiny cave for as long as i can. that might mean i would have to reject offers (much like i did today), but i am honestly not phased. i kind of want to distance myself from everyone, especially P. soon we are going to hit a 2 week aniversary of him not listening to my 30 something minute audio (more like a podcast, haha). i try not to think about it but deep down it stings a bit.
i think i have to start to accept that no emotion is permanent. like obviously i am always chasing joy and happiness, like many people, but i always get upset when it fades, although that is how all emotions work, they appear temporarily and then get replaced by something else. i just wish i had more control over them, sometimes i feel like i let my life be completely dictated by emotions. i do have logic obviously, but it just cannot fight the emotions and their strength. i am sick of feeling like i am back to square one every time i have a relapse, even if it is not a very serious one. i was just hoping that the high would last for a bit longer, but oh well.
since this post was started i have lowkey developed a nicotine addiction, and right now i am working on taming it, whilst i still can. it is funny, there are so many reasons i could be feeling down right now, and one of them could be nicotine withdrawal. i am generally trying to limit everything "bad" for my body (like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, green stuff and O), and i can easily say that limiting nicotine is the hardest. i am kind of scared that if i have like a breakdown i will turn to substance abuse as a coping mechanism.
i guess my biggest problem right now is uni and my lack of motivation for it. i do not know how to change it. hopefully an answer comes soon.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: it was a good day by ice cube