koi's Journal

some thoughts
l'oiseau

so, i have been home for a week now. which means there are a bit more than 2 weeks left. i have been seeing at least one friend every day for the past 7 days, which i think is something of a personal record almost. we have had a few gatherings as well (i think two could be counted as such), and it has been just...so much fun. the other day i opened up reading fess and there was a post which said that this person had been home for a week and had had more fun than in their 3 months in reading and they are dreading the time when they will have to go back. i have to say i can relate to some extent, because there have been a few times when i felt very very low at uni and just got absolutely wasted by myself. i am glad i have not been thinking about ross "that much", and i think i will be able to hold out and not send him a single message whilst i am home. that man is just unreal, i literally sometimes cannot believe that he exists and that i managed to somehow meet him. if shit does not work out, i hope we can at least be friends, because the fact that we met somehow feels like destiny. i can just feel this unexplainable energy between us...it feels like a dream. i am just so, so afraid of somehow screwing everything up, but i feel like this just has to work out some way, somehow. there has been conversation over me coming home for the spring break as well and i am already getting too hyped up over this, although nothing has been confirmed yet. completely unrelated, but my sister also came to a party on friday, and i am quite proud of her, she actually put herself out there and interacted with people, danced etc. it was genuinely a very, very good time, and i am very much looking forward to the new year's party. my alterous crush is overwhelming me right now and it is just starting to piss me off to be honest. sometimes i feel like i have so many alterous crushes or whatever that it is just too much, but this one i was aware of before and i thought it would die down but hoo boy, it is back. and i think it is equally as strong as before, if not stronger. ah, fuck my life. wish i could just turn off feelings for once. back to reading talk - i have experienced quite a lot of ghosting since i came there, i think about 7 or 8 people in total have ignored me or just not made any plans with me when they said they would. it has left me wondering whether it has something to do with me as a person or just that they are all young (my age lol) and think that ignoring someone completely is acceptable? because i personally think that this kind of actions just screams that you are immature. postgrads usually do not do shit like that, that is why i prefer them, and i think they can also understand me better and vice versa. this whole ghosting thing bothered me a whole lot for a bit, but now i have just decided to focus on the people i think i actually care about, which is just ross and linda. and, to be fair, if i start working next term, then i will not even be able to hang out with people too often anyway. i think after these three weeks of socializing i will need a break anyway. but i cannot wait to see ross. i wonder if i should be concerned that i am not thinking about him that much, because does that maybe imply that i only care a lot when i am actually able to see him? but then again, i literally saw a philosophy related book at the store and just bought it instantly because i want to get more educated in philosophy so i could have better conversations with him...yeah. i am confusion. i can feel that i have changed to at least some extent during those three months in reading. i feel good though, i think i have grown as a person and have started to become more independent and responsible. i am glad that i talked to my friends a lot on discord, because i feel like i have not been left out and i know most of the things that have happened whilst i was gone. overall i would say i am not dreading going back to reading since i really love the place, i am just a bit scared how everything will go with ross and in general. i hope i have got things ahead of me. l'oiseau out

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: sunflower, vol.6 by harry styles