Garastāvoklis:	tired
Mūzika:	hope world (mixtape) by j-hope

les doutes
l'oiseau

lately have been watching some cyprien vids on youtube and i think it could honestly improve my french a lot, because it is exactly the way i kind of grasped the concept of everyday spoken english - through various videos, such as felix's. on friday i almost had a breakdown in the bus because i found out that apparently i got so few points at the french state olympiad that i was not even included in the document posted about the results. needless to say for the first half an hour i wanted to cry because i kept thinking about how i have chosen the wrong path in life (by that i mean french) and that i am basically retarded or something. thankfully at that time i was going to spice with my sister and my mood increased because i got new earrings and a yellow jumper (yay for yellow! my second favourite colour as of recently). overall i just try to calm myself by realizing that i did not revise practically at all for that olympiad so what was i honestly expecting. life right now seems rather fine, but i cannot get out of the usual "spending the whole day in bed and then frantically doing homework until 1 am which makes me sleep deprived the next day" cycle. in fact that is what i am doing now - typing this up instead of doing at least something productive. i have a serious problem with realizing that doing at least tiny bits of something bigger is better than not doing anything at all, for example, it is better to brush my teeth in the evening if i cannot make myself take a shower. i understand this concept perfectly but i fail to apply it to my everyday life. the most fulfilling moment of this week was probably playing air hockey with my sister at spice. it was one of those spontaneous decisions that you realize you can make because there is no one who could stop you. of course, we spent some money on the game but it totally paid off because we had so much fun, i cannot even describe it. i felt free, like i could make my life fun if i wanted to, i felt some kind of control over it. it did not even matter who was winning, it was just pure joy. honestly that whole time in spice was amazing, i am getting along better with my sister with each passing day. lastly i want to write down that i have been thinking a whole lot about the fact that i am actually going to uni fairly soon and that means i can finally show my true self or even create a new version of me which i could not do for all these years. the thing is that even when i switched schools here i already knew two girls in my class because we switched schools together, so i kind of felt pressure to not change myself and stay the same way i was in our previous school. but now i am moving to a whole different country and the real question is - 나는 누구냐 ?