| 101 Rules For Extreme Metal |
24. Maijs 2008|23:30 |
*01*. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power
metal not included) before you are extreme.
*02*. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.
*03*. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - *No* in
betweens.
*04*. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.
*05*. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or
over 240bpm (extreme).
*06*. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in
existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).
*07*. The police picture of your ex-vocalist?s suicide must be used for
the next album cover.
*08*. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)
*09*. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.
*10*. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.
*11*. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.
*12*. Refer to 1
*13*. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet
belts, spiky shin pads etc.
*14*. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then
onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have
matured'.
*15*. Wear black. *Always*.
*16*. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.
*17*. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus
track just to make people buy the album again.
*18*. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's
later release the album as a collector's item.
*19*. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and
cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings'
*20*. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.
*21*. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.
*22*. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good
publicity).
*23*. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'.
*24*. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme
time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your
wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).
*25*. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty
six minutes and six seconds.
*26*. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and
shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)
*27*. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.
*28*. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her
than a Massey Fergusson tractor ? and can never get through a metal
detector at the airport.
*29*. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year.
*30*. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.
*31*. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then
progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick,
Covenant...)
*32*. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your
very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest
Metal).
*33*. Forest metal is running round a *dark* forest, with a $10 Casio
Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric
project'
*34*. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a
relationship with them.
*35*. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.
*36*. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it?s the only
jumping they're allowed to do).
*37*. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if
you really haven't).
*38*. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you
shout it, as often as possible
*39*. Play the bass without a plectrum.
*40*. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.
*41*. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female.
*42*. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably
as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire'
*43*. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.
*44*. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.
*45*. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.
*46*. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered
extreme.
*47*. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or
blues ? solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.
*48*. Resurrect shitty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then
release albums with the shittiest possible production (by referring to
rule 33).
*49*. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and
'Homicide'.
*50*. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie,
only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
*51*. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.
*52*. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even
bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.
*53*. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill.
Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these
instructions may make you less extreme.
*54*. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule.
*55*. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the
name ?Persecuter? at birth.
*56*. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't
forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from
the 80's.
*57*. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the
other hemisphere.
*58*. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard
them).
*59*. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday'
extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily
yourself - don't forget to change your name).
*60*. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme
infamousness - publicity helps.
*60*. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail
*61*. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with
Scott Burns as producer.
*62*. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets.
*63*. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play
the fastest.
*64*. Always have two (or more) bass drums.
*65*. Head band until you get told by the doctor that those headaches
indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging
anyway because it is extreme.
*66*. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl,
because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it
miserably.
*67*. Refer to 1.
*68*. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by
yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.
*69*. Join your wife's band.
*70*. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly
locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.
*71*. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice
room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all
black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only
make out them, and your faces (which are white).
*72*. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).
*73*. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe.
*74*. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal
slaves.
*75*. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum
machine instead.
*76*. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself
too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck =
extreme.
*77*. Record a Slayer cover.
*78*. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to
start a new band.
*79*. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.
*80*. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in
your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.
*81*. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds
like a 6" tom.
*82*. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you
had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.
*83*. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.
*84*. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world".
*85*. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.
*86*. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's.
*87*. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your
God.
*88*. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its
ok to do that).
*89*. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated
in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.
*90*. Wait, rules are for pussies.
*91*. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as
possible in the audience.
*92*. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics,
can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your
*Extreme Dominance*.
*93* Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway
is part of the pre-production for your new album.
*94*. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.
*95*. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal
album covers - deception can be brutal.
*96*. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word
'The'. eg. "John 'The Missle/Axe/Torpedo' Smith".
*97*. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a
dick print.
*98*. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.
*99*. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your
dominance extremely.
*100*. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my
blood from a young age'.
*101*. The most important rule of extreme metal: ?In order to create art
of the most truest form, one must live it.? Kill yourself and die, and
only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal
possible. |
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