May 16th, 2009

• hardest moment of my life
• 5/16/09 11:52 pm
• My head is dizzy and it feels like i'm gonna faint. i want to tear out my heart and just throw it on the ground.. becouse it's too hard, it's too damn hard!!!!!!!
  
  
  Yesterday's evening and today's morning.
  It was great, yeah, it really was... but somehow i can't remember everything. Late dinner, Family Guy.. my god, i missed FG. i can't explain, how good it felt to see him waiting for me at the door. (just now i realise - for the last time.)
  
  We left house together, mainly becouse we had to go in the same direction at the same time. So we walked to train station. As we were going, we talked.. i really don't remember what exactly, 'couse the only words i heard in my head - last time...last time...last..
  
  Pretty soon i started to cry... like - out of nowhere.. we talk, we laugh and suddenly i'm crying.. it came as quite a shock to him. of course, when you start to cry, it's hard to stop, so it went on and on and..... and that's how he missed his train. Next one was in an hour. We sat on a bench. (deja vu, huh). I realised, that it will be too hard to see how he goes away, so i decided to leave and he walked me a bit. it was terrible! you can feel every single minute, every single second.. as it is the last one. you want to say - ok, goodbye! you try, but you can't. with every step, you know that soon he'll have to turn around and go back. What i did was.. i said goodbye, i gave him a kiss but i couldn't look at him.. i never actually stopped, i walked away while he said goodbye (two times). i didn't look, becouse i was crying. Obviously. after a while i stopped and turned around. he was walking away! i stood in the middle of the street and watched him walk away until i couldn't see him anymore. he never looked back!
  
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