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[Mar. 5th, 2018|10:24 am] |
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And so it comes to this, that I should seek a source where my name is not obvious, to write what's on my mind. Isn't it the place of Twitter to record my short-lived complaining? No, because Twitter knows my name. And Facebook knows my name. And Google knows my name. And they all offer publicity, but I do not want to be publicized. All I want is to tell someone neutral that I have been given a pointless task at work and it wrecks my brain to be saving myself through browsing of the internets. |
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[Oct. 31st, 2016|02:44 pm] |
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Love is like stomach acid - you need to use it, or else it will eat you up inside. |
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[Oct. 7th, 2016|05:19 pm] |
It's only odd that we admire violence so much these days because we've grown up. Once upon a time, we were young and silly and carried clubs/spears/swords/knives everywhere and occasionally hit things with them and sometimes got scolded for it, but on the whole that was the most fun we've ever had. Then we got too strong and started thinking about the world and feeling empathy and being considerate, and hitting things with pointy objects got dull. But there is still that nagging feeling underneath that makes you look back wistfully to the days when you thought the world of yourself because you'd got somebody's nose bloody and know with certainty that nothing else will ever be that much fun.
So, thank you, Quentin Tarantino, for the king-size swings on the playground. |
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[Oct. 7th, 2016|10:58 am] |
| [ | music |
| | furederiku - Only Wonder | ] |
When I see a depressed person now, I go: "Uh-oh, looks like somebody's depressed! You cheeky monkey! Who's a sad little pile of misery - yes you are, yes you are!"
I do that because I'm depressed a lot and it just feels like they've joined me for a moment. It's funny what things can bring people together. |
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[Sep. 22nd, 2016|12:30 am] |
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The problem with anime/gaming/[insert your pastime] is that you have to go to work/school/[insert your everyday] next morning and pretend like that's interesting, too. |
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[Sep. 19th, 2016|01:06 am] |
Time stretches out exponentially
Seconds to hours to years
I have been writing this line forever |
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[Sep. 14th, 2016|01:46 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Hello Sleepwalkers | ] |
Ironically, anime is the only thing keeping my faith in humanity alive at the moment. |
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[Sep. 8th, 2016|08:45 pm] |
I saw a beautiful woman in the street today.
Her beauty was otherworldly, it transformed the late summer day into a golden autumn, the setting sun shining through her red jacket turned into molten sugar, and the shape of her body in a black tight-fit dress was like a beacon at the end of a tunnel.
She was so beautiful I immediately forgot my own appearance, name, origin, and destination, so that my brain would have more space in which to reiterate her image.
She was so beautiful she had her own gravitational field. I almost knocked her down. |
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[Sep. 8th, 2016|12:43 pm] |
The highs and the lows I am used to,
my private exclusive hell
These tiny subversive betrayals of
my body against my self
But the truths you find when you're hurting
are still there when the wound has closed
And the next time you laugh, you're betraying
these things that you cannot unknow. |
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[May. 17th, 2016|07:33 pm] |
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It is great to be an a-hole. If you really are one. If you're not really an a-hole, it's actually as tough as anything else. |
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[May. 3rd, 2016|10:05 am] |
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Walking to work this morning, I was listening to some exciting speed rock, avoiding being hit by bulldozers, springing over curbs, and feeling suspiciously peaceful and joyful. What could it be - have I perhaps learned a life lesson? |
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[Mar. 4th, 2016|07:14 pm] |
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Whenever I'm alone in a bar or restaurant, it feels to me like my whole life has been building up to this, and now that I'm finally here, I don't know why or what to do. |
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[Dec. 28th, 2015|10:16 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Anything, just anyone else's voice in my head | ] |
There is no way I can listen to my own thoughts today. I will turn on music and hope it drowns out whatever it is that's wailing in my head now.
It has a point, though - perhaps it nibs at too many truths for me to bear, and bear them I do. But not deal with them. I can't handle the truth.
Right now, I see a number of things that cannot be left as they are, but I am powerless to change them. And I have someone looking up to me, asking the same questions I have asked a hundred times over, and it makes me angry to explain that I never found any answers. So, powerless, helpless, pointless, I am, that it all feels not like a problem but rather my fault. How dare I be too stupid to figure this out and fix it.
But this is real life - you never know what to do, there are no experience points and no mission markers, you don't recognize good deeds and don't get rewarded for them, you can never tell when the chapter is truly over, and if you do beat the boss you go to jail.
So yes, it's difficult. Being alive.
I'm just trying to explain how it is that I've ended up in the corner of YouTube where bearded almost-middle-age guys hum in sleepy voices to the slow melancholy strumming of a guitar. |
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[Dec. 14th, 2015|12:30 pm] |
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Sometimes I oversleep badly. I wake up so late I realize it's just too late to hurry. So I roll out of bed at my own pace and limp to the bathroom, force my hair to stay away from my face and some food to stay in it, then waddle to work with all the graces of a sack of potatoes falling down some steps. And still, no matter how much I oversleep, it is somehow never too much to dream about some extra sleep at your workstation. How do other people live with this, really, how do they manage? It must be all the muesli. |
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[Dec. 1st, 2015|12:31 am] |
glass, dust
rocks
thrown away socks
cigarette butts
cats
crows and rats -
I am the city.
bent grass
and trees
wind in the leaves
too few to breathe
too many to see
through the rush of the day
unhappy but unswayed
I climb
up to the light -
I am the city. |
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[Nov. 20th, 2015|11:36 am] |
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Ir brīži, kad izvēle starp nodarbēm nav izvēle starp dažādām aizrautības pakāpēm, bet gan izvēle starp mēh un mēh. Tā nav īsti izvēle, tas ir mēh. Kā izvēlēties vienu no divām vienādām lietām? Tam vajadzētu būt vienkārši, jo lietas ir vienādas - izvēloties vienu, būsi izvēlējies arī otru. Win-win. Bet tava reālās dzīves pieredze šajā pasaulē saka priekšā, ka nav divu identisku lietu, nekādu un nekad. Tāpēc tu esi iestrēdzis dilemmā atrast atšķirības starp diviem attēliem, kuros vienīgā atšķirība ir varbūtēja drukas kļūda. |
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[Nov. 7th, 2015|03:42 pm] |
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Tie ir burvīgi brīži, kad ieslēdzu Skaipu un visi manā kontaktu listē ir vai nu "offline" vai "away". Tik mierīgi un klusi, kā Ziemassvētku rīts, kad visi vēl guļ, pat pīrāgu pārpalikumi virtuvē bļodā zem sedziņas. Ja visi guļ, tātad viss ir labi un es esmu brīvs. |
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[Nov. 3rd, 2015|01:40 pm] |
Sometimes, when in public places, I get an urge to walk up to a stranger, lean in and whisper: "Shh, tell no one!" Then wink and walk away.
But I don't. I do not think they can keep a secret. |
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| bija novembra nakts... |
[Nov. 3rd, 2015|02:00 am] |
... un viss sākās no gala, kā jau bija sācies tik daudzas reizes iepriekš.
es izgāju no spēles, apturēju filmu, aizvēru pārlūku logus, izslēdzu mūziku un gandrīz aizvēru teksta redaktoru. bet nav iespējams neuzrakstīt vārdus, kad tie prasās rakstāmi, un, kā jau zināms, no pusnakts līdz pulksten diviem ir tikai piecas minūtes. un te nu mēs bijām, vēlvēlu naktī, šajā telpā, kas nav aprakstāma kubikmetros. aci pret aci, divi vien, teksta redaktors un es. mums bija kārtojami rēķini, un mēs abi to zinājām... |
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