Tales of the Glass Flower

urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain Tales of the Glass Flower Cyrain Cyrain aija.sado@gmail.com Cyrain 2011-03-07T08:10:43Z 2011-03-07T08:10:43Z Quote from the internet. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:12919 2011-03-07T10:09:00 2011-03-07T10:09:00 2011-03-07T08:10:43Z 2011-03-07T08:10:43Z The best quote I've ever read that gave me a small glimpse into the mind of someone who was thinking of suicide was written by David Foster Wallace. - <a href="http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/David_Foster_Wallace">http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/David_Foster_Wallace</a> The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flame yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don‘t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling. permalink Un optimistiskāks fragments no iepriekšējā. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:12763 2010-10-21T20:59:00 2010-10-21T20:59:00 2010-10-21T17:59:32Z 2010-10-21T17:59:32Z You’re going to die soon enough anyway; even if it’s a hundred years from now, that’s still the blink of a cosmic eye. In the meantime, live like a scientist—even a controversial one with only an ally or two in all the world—and treat life as a grand experiment, blood, sweat, tears and all. What it feels like to want to kill yourself urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:12499 2010-10-21T20:37:00 2010-10-21T20:37:00 2010-10-21T17:58:30Z 2010-10-21T17:58:30Z Krietni precīzāks apraksts par parasto 'ultimatīvā egoisma' hipotēzi' . Tā ir sajūta, ka vienkārši vairs nav spēka visu laiku cīnīties un pierādīt, ka ir vēl tiesības elpot, būt, runāt, pieskarties apkārtējo dzīvēm vai saņemt jebkādu uzmanību vai novērtējumu no apkārtējiem. Un pierādīt jau nevar tieši tāpēc, ka nav jau to tiesību. Atliek mēģināt izkrāpt, izmanīt, nočiept to cilvēcisko siltumu no apkārtējiem, kad kāds neuzmanīgāks tuvumā parādās. Un jā, iegrimšana sīkumainā tehniskā apcerē par kā tieši noorganizēt tā visa izbeigšanu, lai tās pirmā brīza neērtības pēc pārējiem samazinātu. Lai neaizmirst rēķinus apmaksāt, lai nav par līgumiem jāuztraucas, to visu. Nezinu vai tā jūtas tie, kas to arī izdara, protams. Varbūt izdara tikai tie, kas tiešām ir tie fantastiskie egoisti, kurus izglābtu vienkārši atgādinājums, ka viņi ģimeni sarūgtinās. Fragments no otrā no sešiem aspektiem, par pārējiem tik akurāti un īsi izkopējami diemžēl nav. Pilnais teksts orģinālvalodā aiz kuta. <blockquote>Cilvēki ar zemu pašvērtējumu bieži ir arī mizantropi - tieši tik pat kritiski arī pret apkārtējiem. Suicidālas personas, nododoties paškritiskām domām tieši otrādi, cieš no kļūdaina priekšstata, ka apkārtējie ir pārsvarā labi, atšķirībā no viņiem pašiem. Tieši nevērtīguma, kauna, vainas, nepilnvērtīguma apziņa kopā ar pazemojumu un noraidījumu liek suicidālām personām sevi ienīst tik ļoti, lai faktiski uzskatītu sevi par atšķeltiem no idealizētās cilvēces. 'Es' izskatās nepaciešami nevēlams, Nav cerības uz jebkādu izmaiņu un pati sevis būtība šķiet satrupējusi.</blockquote> <a name="cutid1"></a> <blockquote> <h5>Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself</h5> <h6>By Jesse Bering Oct 20, 2010 03:45 PM 13</h6> One of the more fascinating psychotic conditions in the medical literature is known as Cotard’s syndrome, a rare disorder, usually recoverable, in which the primary symptom is a “delusion of negation.” According to researchers David Cohen and Angèle Consoli of the Université Pierre et Marie Curie, many patients with Cotard’s syndrome are absolutely convinced, without even the slimmest of doubts, that they are already dead. Some recent evidence suggests that Cotard’s may occur as a neuropsychiatric side effect of the drugs aciclovir and valaciclovir , prescribed routinely for patients suffering from kidney failure. But its origins go back much further than these modern drugs. First described by the French neurologist Jules Cotard in the 1880s, it is usually accompanied by some other debilitating problem, such as major depression, schizophrenia, epilepsy or general paralysis—not to mention disturbing visages in the mirror. Consider the case of one young woman described by Cohen and Consoli: “The delusion consisted of the patient’s absolute conviction she was already dead and waiting to be buried, that she had no teeth or hair, and that her uterus was malformed.” Poor thing—that image couldn’t have been very good for her self-esteem. Still, call me strange, but I happen to find a certain appeal in the conviction that one is, though otherwise lucid, nevertheless already dead. Provided there were no uncomfortable symptoms of rigor mortis cramping up my hands, nor delusory devils biting at my feet, how liberating it would be to be able to write like a dead man and without that hobbling, hesitating fear of being unblinkingly honest. Knowing that upon publication I would be tucked safely away in my tomb, I could finally say what’s on my mind. Of course, living one’s life as though it were a suicide note incarnate (yet remember this is precisely what life is, really, and I would advise any thinking person to stroll by a cemetery each day, gaze unto those fields of crumbling headstones filled with chirping crickets, and ponder, illogically so, what these people wish they might have said to the world when it was still humanly possible for them to have done so ) is an altogether different thing from the crushing, unbearable weight of an actual suicidal mind dangerously tempted by the promise of permanent quiescence. In considering people’s motivations for killing themselves, it is essential to recognize that most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions, not rational, philosophical thoughts in which the pros and cons are evaluated critically. And, as I mentioned in last week’s column on the evolutionary biology of suicide, from a psychological science perspective, I don’t think any scholar ever captured the suicidal mind better than Florida State University psychologist Roy Baumeister in his 1990 Psychological Review article , “Suicide as Escape from the Self.” To reiterate, I see Baumeister’s cognitive rubric as the engine of emotions driving deCatanzaro’s biologically adaptive suicidal decision-making. There are certainly more recent theoretical models of suicide than Baumeister’s, but none in my opinion are an improvement. The author gives us a uniquely detailed glimpse into the intolerable and relentlessly egocentric tunnel vision that is experienced by a genuinely suicidal person. According to Baumeister, there are six primary steps in the escape theory, culminating in a probable suicide when all criteria are met. I do hope that having knowledge about the what-it-feels-like phenomenology of ‘being’ suicidal helps people to recognize their own possible symptoms of suicidal ideation and—if indeed this is what’s happening—enables them to somehow derail themselves before it’s too late. Note that it is not at all apparent that those at risk of suicide are always aware that they are in fact suicidal, at least in the earliest cognitive manifestations of suicidal ideation. And if such thinking proceeds unimpeded, then keeping a suicidal person from completing the act may be as futile as encouraging someone at the very peak of sexual excitement to please kindly refrain from having an orgasm, which is itself sometimes referred to as la petit mort (“the little death”). So let’s take a journey inside the suicidal mind, at least as it’s seen by Roy Baumeister. You might even come to discover that you’ve actually stepped foot in this dark psychological space before, perhaps without knowing it at the time. Step 1: Falling Short of Standards Most people who kill themselves actually lived better-than-average lives. Suicide rates are higher in nations with higher standards of living than in less prosperous nations; higher in US states with a better quality of life; higher in societies that endorse individual freedoms; higher in areas with better weather; in areas with seasonal change, they are higher during the warmer seasons; and they’re higher among college students that have better grades and parents with higher expectations. Baumeister argues that such idealistic conditions actually heighten suicide risk because they often create unreasonable standards for personal happiness, thereby rendering people more emotionally fragile in response to unexpected setbacks. So, when things get a bit messy, such people, many of whom appear to have lead mostly privileged lives, have a harder time coping with failures. “A large body of evidence,” writes the author, “is consistent with the view that suicide is preceded by events that fall short of high standards and expectations, whether produced by past achievements, chronically favorable circumstances, or external demands.” For example, simply being poor isn’t a risk factor for suicide. But going rather suddenly from relative prosperity to poverty has been strongly linked to suicide. Likewise, being a lifelong single person isn’t a risk factor either, but the transition from marriage to the single state places one at significant risk for suicide. Most suicides that occur in prison and mental hospital settings occur within the first month of confinement, during the initial period of adjustment to loss of freedom. Suicide rates are lowest on Fridays and highest on Mondays; they also drop just before the major holidays and then spike sharply immediately after the holidays. Baumeister interprets these patterns as consistent with the idea that people’s high expectations for holidays and weekends materialize, after the fact, as bitter disappointments. To summarize this first step in the escape theory, Baumeister tells us that, “it is apparently the size of the discrepancy between standards and perceived reality that is crucial for initiating the suicidal process.” It’s the proverbial law of social gravity: the higher your majesty is to start off with, the more painful it’s going to be when you happen to fall flat on your face. Step 2: Attributions to Self It is not just the fall from grace alone that’s going to send you on a suicidal tailspin. It’s also necessary for you to loathe yourself for facing the trouble you find yourself in. Across cultures, “self blame” or “condemnation of the self” has held constant as a common denominator in suicides. Baumeister’s theory accommodates these data, yet his model emphasizes that the biggest risk factor isn’t chronically low self-esteem, per se, but rather a relatively recent demonization of the self in response to the negative turn of events occurring in the previous step. People who have low self-esteem are often misanthropes, he points out, in that while they are indeed self critical, they are usually just as critical of other people. By contrast, suicidal individuals who engage in negative appraisals of the self seem to suffer the erroneous impression that other people are mostly good, while they themselves are bad. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, inadequacy, or feeling exposed, humiliated and rejected leads suicidal people to dislike themselves in a manner that, essentially, cleaves them off from an idealized humanity. The self is seen as being enduringly undesirable; there is no hope for change and the core self is perceived as being rotten. This is why adolescents and adults of minority sexual orientations, who grow up gesticulating in a social womb filled with messages—both implicit and explicit—that they are essentially lesser human beings, are especially vulnerable to suicide. Even though we may consciously reject these personal attributions made by an intolerant society, they have still seeped in. If we extrapolate this to, say, Tyler Clementi as he was driving towards the George Washington Bridge to end his own life in the wake of being cruelly and voyeuristically outed over the Internet, I’d bet my bottom dollar that he felt even the songs on the radio weren’t meant for him, but for “normal people” more relatable to the singer and deserving of the song’s message. Step 3: High Self-Awareness “The essence of self-awareness is comparison of self with standards,” writes Baumeister. And, according to his escape theory, it is this ceaseless and unforgiving comparison with a preferred self—perhaps an irrecoverable self from a happier past or a goal self that is now seen as impossible to achieve in light of recent events—fuelling suicidal ideation. This piquancy of thought in suicidal individuals is actually measurable, at least indirectly by analyzing the language used in suicide notes. One well-known “suicidologist,” Edwin Shneidman, once wrote that, “Our best route to understanding suicide is not through the study of the structure of the brain, nor the study of social statistics, nor the study of mental diseases, but directly through the study of human emotions described in plain English, in the words of the suicidal person.” Personally, I feel a bit like an existential Peeping Tom in reading strangers’ suicide notes, but it’s a longstanding cottage industry in psychological research. Over the past few decades alone, nearly 300 studies on suicide notes have been published. These cover a broad range of research questions, but because they tend to yield inconsistent findings, they have also painted a confusing picture of the suicidal mind. This is especially the case when trying to reveal people’s motivations for the act. Some who commit suicide may not even be aware of their own motivations, or at least they have not been completely honest in their farewell letters to the world. A good example comes from University of Manchester sociologist Susanne Langer and her colleagues’ report in a 2008 issue of The Sociological Review . The researchers describe how the suicide note written by one young man was rather nondescript, mentioning feelings of loneliness and emptiness as causing his suicide, while, in fact, “his file contained a memo inquiring about the state of an investigation regarding sexual offences the deceased had been accused of in an adjacent jurisdiction.” The more compelling studies on suicide notes, in my view, are those that use text analysis programs enabling the investigators to make exact counts of particular kinds of words. Compared to fake suicide notes, real suicide notes are notorious for containing first-person singular pronouns, a reflection of high self-awareness. And unlike letters written by people facing involuntary death, such as those about to be executed, suicide note writers rarely use inclusive language such as plural pronouns, such as “us” and “we.” When they do mention significant others, suicide note writers usually speak of them as being cut off, distant, separate, not understanding, or opposed. Friends and family, even a loving mother at arm’s length, feel endless oceans away. Step 4: Negative Affect It may seem to go without saying that suicides tend to be preceded by a period of negative emotions, but, again, in Baumeister’s escape model, negative suicidal emotions are experienced as an acute state rather than a prolonged one. “Concluding simply that depression causes suicide and leaving it at that may be inadequate for several reasons,” he writes. “It is abundantly clear that most depressed people do not attempt suicide and that not all suicide attempters are clinically depressed.” Anxiety—which can be experienced as guilt, self-blame, threat of social exclusion, ostracism and worry—seems to be a common strand in the majority of suicides. As I mentioned in last week’s post, we may very well be the only species for which negative social-evaluative appraisals can lead to shame-induced suicide. It’s not without controversy, but the most convincing data from studies with nonhuman animals suggest very strongly that we are the only species on the face of the earth able to take another organism’s perspective in judging the self’s attributes. This is owed to an evolutionary innovation known as “theory of mind” (literally, theorizing about what someone else is thinking about, including what they’re thinking about you ; and, perhaps more importantly in this case, even what you’re thinking about you) that has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it allows us to experience pride, and a curse because it also engenders what I consider to be the uniquely human, uniquely painful emotion of shame. Psychodynamic theorists often postulate that suicidal guilt seeks punishment, and thus suicide is a sort of self-execution. But Baumeister’s theory largely rejects this interpretation; rather, in his model, the appeal of suicide is loss of consciousness, and thus the end of psychological pain being experienced. And since cognitive therapy isn’t easily available—or seen as achievable—by most suicidal people, that leaves only three ways to escape this painful self-awareness: drugs, sleep and death. And of these, only death, nature’s great anesthesia, offers a permanent fix. Step 5: Cognitive Deconstruction The fifth step in the escape theory is perhaps the most intriguing, from a psychological perspective, because it illustrates just how distinct and scarily inaccessible the suicidal mind is from that of our everyday cognition. With cognitive deconstruction, a concept originally proposed by social psychologists Robin Vallacher and Daniel Wegner, the outside world becomes a much simpler affair in our heads—but usually not in a good way. Cognitive deconstruction is pretty much just what it sounds like. Things are cognitively broken down into increasingly low-level and basic elements. For example, the time perspective of suicidal people changes in a way that makes the present moment seem interminably long; this is because, “suicidal people have an aversive or anxious awareness of the recent past (and possibly the future too), from which they seek to escape into a narrow, unemotional focus on the present moment.” In one interesting study, for example, when compared to control groups, suicidal participants significantly overestimated the passage of experimentally controlled intervals of time by a large amount. Baumeister surmises, “Thus suicidal people resemble acutely bored people: The present seems endless and vaguely unpleasant, and whenever one checks the clock, one is surprised at how little time has actually elapsed.” Evidence also suggests that suicidal individuals have a difficult time thinking about the future—which for those who’d use the threat of hell as a deterrent, shows just why this strategy isn’t likely to be very effective. This temporal narrowing, Baumeister believes, is actually a defensive mechanism helping the person to cognitively withdraw from thinking about past failures and the anxiety of an intolerable, hopeless future. Another central aspect of the suicidal person’s cognitive deconstruction, says Baumeister, is a dramatic increase in concrete thought. Like the intrusively high self-awareness discussed earlier, this concreteness is often conveyed in suicide notes. Several review articles have noted the relative paucity of “thinking words” in suicide notes, which are abstract, meaningful, high-level terms. Instead, they more often include banal and specific instructions, such as, “Don’t forget to feed the cat,” or “Remember to take care of the electric bill.” Real suicide notes are usually suspiciously void of contemplative or metaphysical thoughts, whereas fake suicide notes, written by study participants, tend to include more abstract or high-level terms (“Someday you’ll understand how much I loved you” or “Always be happy”). One old study even found that genuine suicide notes contained more references to concrete objects in the environment—physical things—than did simulated suicide notes. What this cognitive shift to concrete thinking reflects, suggests Baumeister, is the brain’s attempt to slip into idle mental labor, thereby avoiding the suffocating feelings that we’ve been describing. Many suicidal college students, for example, exhibit a behavioral pattern of burying themselves in dull, routine academic busywork in the weeks beforehand, presumably to enter a sort of “emotional deadness” which is “an end in itself.” When I was a suicidal adolescent, I remember reading voraciously during this time; it didn’t matter what it was that I read—mostly junk novels, in fact—since it was only to replace my own thoughts with those of the writer’s. For the suicidal, other people’s words can be pulled over one’s exhausting ruminations like a seamless glove being stretched over a distractingly scarred hand. Even the grim, tedious details of organizing one’s own suicide can offer a welcome reprieve: When preparing for suicide, one can finally cease to worry about the future, for one has effectively decided that there will be no future. The past, too, has ceased to matter, for it is nearly ended and will no longer cause grief, worry, or anxiety. And the imminence of death may help focus the mind on the immediate present Step 6: Disinhibition We’ve now set the mental stage, but it is of course the final act that separates suicidal ideation from an actual suicide. Baumeister speculates that behavioral disinhibition, which is required to overcome the intrinsic fear of causing oneself pain through death, not to mention the anticipated suffering of loved ones left behind to grieve, is another consequence of cognitive deconstruction. This is because it disallows the high-level abstractions (reflecting on the inherent “wrongness” of suicide, how others will feel, even concerns about self-preservation) that, under normal conditions, keep us alive. A recent theoretical analysis by University of Rochester psychiatrist Kimberly Van Orden and her colleagues sheds some additional light on this component of behavioral disinhibition. These authors point out that while there is a considerable number of people who want to kill themselves, suicide itself remains relatively rare. This is largely because, in addition to suicidal desire, the individual needs the “acquired capability for suicide,” which involves both a lowered fear of death and increased physical pain tolerance. Suicide hurts, literally. One acquires this capability, according to these authors’ model, by being exposed to related conditions that systematically habituate the individual to physical pain. For example, one of the best predictors of suicide is a nonlethal prior suicide attempt. But a history of other fear-inducing, physically painful experiences also places one at risk. Physical or sexual abuse as a child, combat exposure, and domestic abuse can also “prep” the individual for the physical pain associated with suicidal behavior. In addition, heritable variants of impulsivity, fearlessness and greater physical pain tolerance may help to explain why suicidality often runs in families. Van Orden and her coauthors also cite some intriguing evidence that habituation to pain is not so much generalized to just any old suicide method, but often specific to the particular method used to end one’s own life. For example, a study on suicides in the U.S. military branches found that guns were most frequently associated with Army personnel suicides, hanging and knots for those in the Navy, and falling and heights were more common for those in the Air Force. So there you have it. It’s really not a pretty picture. But, again, I do hope that if you ever are unfortunate enough to experience these cognitive dynamics in your own mind—and I, for one, very much have—or if you suspect you’re seeing behaviors in others that indicate these thought patterns may be occurring, that this information helps you to meta-cognitively puncture suicidal ideation. If there is one thing that I’ve learned since those very dark days of my suicidal years, it’s that scientific knowledge changes perspective. And perspective changes everything. Everything. And, as I mentioned at the start, always remember: You’re going to die soon enough anyway; even if it’s a hundred years from now, that’s still the blink of a cosmic eye. In the meantime, live like a scientist—even a controversial one with only an ally or two in all the world—and treat life as a grand experiment, blood, sweat, tears and all. </blockquote> <a href="http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-t-2010-10-20">http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-t-2010-10-20</a> Smokers - morally inferior? urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:12127 2010-10-09T23:35:00 2010-10-09T23:35:00 2010-10-10T16:22:55Z 2010-10-10T16:22:55Z "You assume people want to live. Some of us wake up every morning wishing they were dead, but being too much of a pussy to actually commit suicide. Some of us have been like that for years, can't bear the suffering and only wish life will be short. To people like us, I really don't get how "but you'll have cancer!" can discourage us. I really don't understand people like you." (context - <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dp1m2/why_are_nonsmokers_under_the_impression_that/c11ubhj">http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dp1m2/why_are_nonsmokers_under_the_impression_that/c11ubhj</a> ) How to not. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:11985 2010-03-22T09:03:00 2010-03-22T09:03:00 2010-03-22T07:04:00Z 2010-03-22T07:04:00Z <ul><li>Don't overdose on aspirin, Tylenol, caustics such as lye or oven cleaner, psychiatric drugs such as Thorazine or Elavil, tranquilizers, or sleeping pills. </li><li>Don't slash your wrists. </li><li>Don't shoot yourself. </li><li>Don't jump from a not-very-high place or try to hang yourself.</li></ul>&nbsp;(All these common techniques are unreliable and have often terrible effects on the survivor.) Restart. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:11724 2009-06-10T10:22:00 2009-06-10T10:22:00 2009-06-10T07:56:41Z 2009-06-10T07:56:41Z Tam, kas nezin kā ir tad, kad roku locītavas sniedz, smadzenēm laipni izspēlējot demo versiju ādas pāršķelšanas sajūtai un atgriezumu sūrstēšanai, nesaprast. Lai gan klusa budžeta pārplānošana, dzīvokļu īres cenas apsverot, arī ir tieši tas pats. Tāpat kā koferu sakrāmēšana, aizskriešana nakšņot pie draudzenes vai vienkārši pārvākšanās uz nakšņošanu citā guļvietā. Un tieši to pašu ar valsti tagad. Aizmest pagātnē. Aizbraukt. Vienalga kur, bet prom. Neiedziļināties problēmā. Beigt bakstīt lapseņpūzi ar mietu. Tikai atrast īsāko ceļu uz durvīm, virs kurām deg kaitinoši aicinošie burteļi E.X.I.T. Jo tādi mēs esam, patērētājsabiedrības augļi. Nez vai aizmirsīšu kaunu, par kursabiedru pārsteigumu, sievietes funkcijas pamatojot kā 'lai būtu tev, kas kreklu izgludina un zeķes salāpa'. Taisnība jau viņiem. Kurš tad mūsdienās lāpa zeķes? Kurš mūsdienās apšuj veco palagu gabalus kabatlakatiņiem? Izmetam zeķes un nopērkam jaunas. Tas ir ērts modelis, ļoti. Tikai lielākā mērogā ērtību glorificēšanu paceļot sanāk kaut kā neglīti... Vienalga, vai tas būtu mēģinājums nomainīt attiecības, nomainīt valsti, vai kā citādi Restartēt Dzīvi. ... urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:11122 2008-10-31T02:55:00 2008-10-31T02:55:00 2008-10-30T00:55:42Z 2008-10-30T00:55:42Z Izslēgt, lai nekad vairs neieslēgtu? To es gribu? Nē jau. Negribu viss. Un nepalīdzētu tas, atstātu tikai ilgāk vārtīties tai riebīgajā 'es kaut ko izdarīju nepareizi' sajūtā. Nupat atkal esmu sevi mazliet pārmocījusi laikam. ... urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:10957 2008-10-27T00:05:00 2008-10-27T00:05:00 2009-06-10T07:25:00Z 2009-06-10T07:25:00Z Brīžiem šķiet, ka enerģija iztek caur pirkstu galiem, atstājot vien nogurušu čaulu. Ne vairs ieinteresēti par grāmatiņām parunāt, ne patiesi pasmaidīt par kādu atsūtītu joku. "Pasaki man kaut ko labu, lūdzu..." pakausī sēdošais kņudinātājs liek palūgt. Bet tas, kam pienāktos to prasīt kaut kur tālu, neaizsniedzams. A tie, kas tepat, kam paprasīt varētu - nu neprasa tak tādas lietas cilvēkiem tomēr. Neprasa. Ierakties darbā ar pārcentību. Trīs lappušu analīze piecrindu atskaites vietā. Un klusa cerība, ka varbūt vismaz tur kadu emocionālo būstu izdosies saķert. Izdevās. Šoreiz izdevās. Tikai dīvains atgādinājums pēc tam sarunā, par labajiem sunīšiem, kurus stumj mājās. Google māk pieskatīt, lai vīkendos pastus sūti tikai, kad etanola saturs nokrities gana zemu, lai aritmētikas prasmes netraucētu. Bet kur paziņojums 'pēdējo 3 stundu laikā ar pārtraukumiem rakstītā vēstule šķiet nesakarīga. Vai jūties labi? Varbūt tomēr izdzēst, pirms adresāts izlasījis un tukšuma radītos tukšumus iztēlei aizpidlīt mēģināt ļāvis? Bet vispār, šobrīd pārlādējos krietni ātrāk. Tas labi. Just trying to feel miserable. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:10536 2008-08-28T02:12:00 2008-08-28T02:12:00 2009-06-10T07:26:15Z 2009-06-10T07:26:15Z -"Eh, kā te spīd saulīte" -"Paldies, ka atgādināji". Ka atgādināji, ka, starp citu, čīkstēšana tikai pavairo sāpes pasaulē. To nevajag ne man, ne citiem. Tas nepalīdz. Vispār, vienalga, cik es ar sevi strādāšu, cik labāk pratīšu neuztvert sitienus kā sitienus - tie, kam uzticies, tik un tā atradīs, kā sāpināt. Būsi izturīgāks, tad viņi tikai mēģinās ilgāk, pirms šā vai tā padosies. Jā, tagad, lai es padotos, izplūstu asarās un sāpēs zaudētu spriestspēju nepitiek ar piecu minīšu uzbrukumu. Vajag stundu. Bet tas jau netraucē turpināt divas. Par kādu uzticību runāt, ja viss, ko pateiksi var (un tiks) izmantots pret tevi nākamajā reizē, kad kādu sviežamo ievajadzēsies? Izkropļots, groteski pārvērsts... jā jā, kādu laiku var par grotesku smieties, protams (klusi, slepeni, nemanāmi.) "Es taču zinu, ka tas ir izdomāts, un nav par mani". Protams, zinu... bet atkārtošana ir ļoti iedarbīga metode. Lūstot ātrāk, emocijas ātrāk aizskrien savā noslēgtā aplī, kas anestezē pret ārējo. Pat nezinu, vai tā nav labāk... vismaz nav uz ko atpkaļ skatīties un novilkt, ka jā... ir slikti. Un risinājuma nav. Es neuzdrīkstos mēģināt izrunāt tad, kad ir labi. Kad ir slikti, to tāpat nedzird neviens. Vilciens. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:10260 2008-08-05T11:38:00 2008-08-05T11:38:00 2008-08-05T20:16:22Z 2008-08-05T20:16:22Z Patiesībā viss ir ļoti vienkārši. Nekādas plānošanas, nekādas gatavošanās. Nekas no tā nav vajadzīgs, tās ir tikai atrunas, kas notur mokošajos 'what-if'os. Viss ir daudz vienkāršāk. Tur ir sliedes. Jā, tas ir tieši tik vienkārši. Tas ir tas ko tu vēlies? Vai tiešām tas ir tas, ko tu gribi? Nav. Redzi, nav tomēr, nav. Tātad tas nu būtu noskaidrots, 'what-if'u pinekļi pārcirsti un var dzīvot tālāk. Lai kas nu tur būtu atlicis, kam dzīvot. *** Žēl, ka ne visus 'ja-nu' izdodas novest līdz tādam viss-pārējais-atmests; tikai pats-un-piedāvātā-izvēle; No otras puses - šķiet, katru reizi tāda izvēles novešana līdz piespiedu risinājumam izrauj kaut ko no manis. Kādu īpašību, kādu ierastas uzvedības modeli, kas jā - var jau būt bijis arī vaininieks pie nepatīkamās situācijas rašanās... Lai gan drīzāk ir vienkārši kaut kas, kā atmešana ļauj samierināties ar situāciju tūlīt un tagad - vai tā būtu piesardzīga intuīcija vai spītīgas neatkarīas vēlmes driskas. Lai gan varūt tā labāk. Cik ilgi tāds pusaudziskais spītīgums var vilkties, laiks kļūt pieaugušai. Atbildīgai un pazemīgai. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:10090 2008-07-22T02:16:00 2008-07-22T02:16:00 2008-07-22T21:35:07Z 2008-07-22T21:35:07Z Smoku. Klusi ilgojoties, kaut prats padotos gana, lai es vairs nejustu, ko nodaru sev, lai kaut kas cits pienjemtu leemumu, kaadam man drosmes nepietiek. Nekas vairs nepalidz, tikai padara sliktak. Kaa kjeedes suns, kas strikji rausta, bet no iestaigaataas bedres neizkapj. Quote of the Day urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:9806 2008-07-13T03:14:00 2008-07-13T03:14:00 2008-07-13T00:15:19Z 2008-07-13T00:15:19Z <quote>No man is a failure who is enjoying life.</quote> William Feather LOL? Figņa. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:9723 2008-07-13T00:34:00 2008-07-13T00:34:00 2008-07-12T21:35:03Z 2008-07-12T21:35:03Z My Personality <table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td></td><td><div style="width:155px; height:15px;"> </div></td></tr><tr><td style="width:145px; padding-right:5px; text-align:right; border-right:1px solid rgb(150,0,0);"><div style="white-space:nowrap; overflow:hidden; font-size:12px;">Neuroticism</div></td><td style="padding:0px;"><div><div style="float:right; color:white; padding-right:2px; margin-top:2px; font-size:10px;">99</div></div></td></tr><tr><td style="width:145px; padding-right:5px; text-align:right; border-right:1px solid rgb(0,0,150);"><div style="white-space:nowrap; overflow:hidden; font-size:12px;">Extraversion</div></td><td style="padding:0px;"><div><div style="float:right; color:white; padding-right:2px; margin-top:2px; font-size:10px;">3</div></div></td></tr><tr><td style="width:145px; padding-right:5px; text-align:right; border-right:1px solid rgb(0,90,0);"><div style="white-space:nowrap; overflow:hidden; font-size:12px;">Openness to Experience</div></td><td style="padding:0px;"><div><div style="float:right; color:white; padding-right:2px; margin-top:2px; font-size:10px;">82</div></div></td></tr><tr><td style="width:145px; padding-right:5px; text-align:right; border-right:1px solid rgb(144,115,0);"><div style="white-space:nowrap; overflow:hidden; font-size:12px;">Agreeableness</div></td><td style="padding:0px;"><div><div style="float:right; color:white; padding-right:2px; margin-top:2px; font-size:10px;">0</div></div></td></tr><tr><td style="width:145px; padding-right:5px; text-align:right; border-right:1px solid rgb(80,0,80);"><div style="white-space:nowrap; overflow:hidden; font-size:12px;">Conscientiousness</div></td><td style="padding:0px;"><div><div style="float:right; color:white; padding-right:2px; margin-top:2px; font-size:10px;">1</div></div></td></tr></table><center><table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td><div style="width:300px; height:15px;"> </div></td></tr><tr><td>You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You are not an overly cautious person. You will think about alternatives and consequences but make up your mind fairly quickly. </td></tr><tr><td align="center">Take a <a href="http://www.learnmyself.com" target="_blank">Personality Test</a> now or view the full <a href="http://www.learnmyself.com/personality.asp?p=wpa-628330&amp;x=PIx1x218729-220315x3b125x1" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Personality Report</a>. <a href="http://www.pulseware.com.au/site_pi.asp?p=wpa-21613">Myspace Layouts</a></td></tr></table></center> Define: friend urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:9452 2008-07-12T21:02:00 2008-07-12T21:02:00 2008-07-12T18:13:14Z 2008-07-12T18:13:14Z <blockquote>There's one advantage to having mostly online friends, and it's one that nobody ever talks about: They demand less from you. Sure, you emotionally support them, comfort them after a breakup, maybe even talk them out of a suicide. But knowing someone in meatspace adds a whole, long list of annoying demands. Wasting your whole afternoon helping them fix their computer. Going to funerals with them. Toting them around in your car every day after theirs gets repossessed by the bank. Having them show up unannounced when you were just settling in to watch the Dirty Jobs marathon on the Discovery channel, then mentioning how hungry they are until you finally give them half your sandwich. </blockquote> <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html">7 iemesli kaapeec 21. gadsimts padara tevi nelaimiigu</a> Sabiedriiba, kur mazaak skabargu tur muus kopaa ar liidzcilveekiem, laikam tomeer nebuutu laimiigaaka. Mees tikai buutu veel vientuljaaki. Un ar veel dziljaaku neizpratni veerotu 'laimiigos', censhoties atmineet - kaads ir vinju nosleepums? "Pashpietiekamiiba" ir sasodiiti dranjkjiiga lieta. Protams, mees katrs pats varam iztureet daudz vairaak, nekaa shkjiet. Bet vienmeer pienaaks briidis, kad nevar. Vienmeer. Neviens no mums nav visvarens. Self-abusive relationship. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:9038 2008-07-09T00:40:00 2008-07-09T00:40:00 2008-07-08T21:44:43Z 2008-07-08T21:44:43Z How do I feel about my work now? It's a love-hate relationship at it's fullest. I love it far too much. When I don't hate it. Sometimes I deeply despise it - but that's only when my stupidity forces me to stop loving it. Uh, un vienkāršota angļu valoda reizēm jūtas labi. Reference urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:8526 2008-06-29T19:53:00 2008-06-29T19:53:00 2008-06-29T16:53:24Z 2008-06-29T16:53:24Z <a href='http://klab.lv/userinfo.bml?user=martcore'><img src='http://klab.lv/img/userinfo.gif' alt='[info]' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: bottom; border: 0;' /></a><a href='http://klab.lv/users/martcore/'>martcore</a> protams rakstelis baisāks ielinkots (lai gan, cik nu... Vispār jau tās riebīgākās lietas kā reiz šā vai tā notiks ar visiem. ). Toties šis ir jaukāks. Par to, kāpēc nevajag tik nopietnus lēmumus pieņemt uz interneta baumām balstoties. <a href="http://www.pobedish.ru/main/suicide_methods?id=65">http://www.pobedish.ru/main/suicide_methods?id=65</a> Svins ir kaitīgs, pat mazās devās. Vēlams koncentrēti, ievadīts no šaujamieroča. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:8390 2008-06-28T11:19:00 2008-06-28T11:19:00 2008-06-30T07:03:27Z 2008-06-30T07:03:27Z That girl there is shy - and a lady to the core. Once she gets to know you some, she tends to open up, and like a multi-faceted diamond, you stand in awe as the brilliance radiates from the gem that she is. Atziņas. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:8071 2008-06-22T16:44:00 2008-06-22T16:44:00 2008-06-22T14:26:45Z 2008-06-22T14:26:45Z Un viss, ko mēģināju par līdzsvara meklēšanu sev un apkārt pateikt, šķiet, bijis vien vēl viens saprotamais, sarežģītais (pārprotamais, apmaldāmais). Es baidos pieņemt siltumu no cilvēkiem. Jo baidos, ka nākamreiz gribot, vairs nedabūšu. Baidos, ka atļaujot sev gribēt un paņemt vienreiz, jau nodaru sev pāri, jo vienreiz ļauto gribēšu vēl. Labāk lauzt sevi liedzot gribēt un pašpietiekamību meklējot, nekā ciest aukstumu, kuru nevienam no malas nav pienākums aizpildīt. Tikai pieradinātais taču ir atbildīgs par pieradināšanu. Tikai lapsa, kas ļāvās, ne mazais princis, kas tikai padalījās tajā, kas viņam bija. Nav ko asaras liet par atbildību - vienkārši nevajag būt lapsai. Vēroju cilvēku, kas savu labumu, siltumu, uzmanību tik ļoti viegli ar rokas mājienu šeit, sveicienu citur - izdala tā aši, visapkārt. Citam iedod atpazītu klātbūtni, citam ko tik personīgi trāpīgu, ka grūti nenoticēt, ka iedotais nebija, kas īpašs, personisks un turpinājumu i sološs, i paģērošs. Grūti noticēt, ka tas tikai glāsts pasaulei, izdalot to kas ir, tur kur sanāk, pilnā pārliecībā, ka tad, kad vajadzēs sev - tāpat nobrauks ar roku pasaulei pāri un pagrābsies siltuma no visiem tik, cik vajag un ka zi, vēl pāri paliks. Viegli, brīvi, nepiespiesti... Tas ir tas 'Vienkārši būt'? Tā ir tā 'siltuma pietiks vienmēr' pret manu 'siltums ir jānopelna'?Lūk to es nemācēšu. Un nezinu, vai ir vērts iemācīties - pārāk svarīgi man ir zināt, ka es esmu es un tieši es. Nevis kaut kāds 'viens no' kas tā nu sanācis, ka pa rokai pagadījies.Žēl vienīgi, ka nespēju to ieraudzīt kaut vai tieši gadu atpakaļ. Daudz sāpīga būtu sev izdevies aiztaupīt. Lai gan... tas bija lidojums.Pat ja tikai līdzi-lidojums, tomēr Lidojums. Pat ja tur patiesībā nekad nekā mana nav bijis, tikai tāds, blakusesošajam pār malām līstošais uzbiris. Pat tad, ja neatbildēts siltums dedzina, kropļo un sāp. Lai gan sāpīga, tā bija mācība, ka ir, kas var arī tā. Ilūzija. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:7696 2008-05-07T01:24:00 2008-05-07T01:24:00 2008-05-06T22:25:58Z 2008-05-06T22:25:58Z Šodien busā sēžot biju pārliecināta, ka mana pretīsēdētāja ir <a href='http://klab.lv/userinfo.bml?user=silentwings'><img src='http://klab.lv/img/userinfo.gif' alt='[info]' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: bottom; border: 0;' /></a><a href='http://klab.lv/users/silentwings/'>silentwings</a>. Nezinu, no kurienes tāda ideja radās - pie tam kopā pat ar vieglu vilšanos. Rakstītu cilvēku iztēlošanās ir dīvaina. "Dzīve". urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:7566 2008-05-03T00:52:00 2008-05-03T00:52:00 2008-05-02T21:54:14Z 2008-05-02T21:54:14Z "Vai ārpus darba-ģimenes tev maz kaut kas notiek?" Klasiskais vainojošais jautājums. Bet reizēm jau pietiek paprasīt, kas ir tas, kas notiek pašam jautātājam, lai saprastu - bet notiek. Nu notiek, tikai nevis ārpus, bet kopā ar to cilvēku, kuru tik sen atpakaļ spēlējoties nosaucu par savu ģimeni. Bet ne jau visiem to var atbildēt. Kolēģim, kas stāsta kā garās brīvdienas Braitonbīčā a draugiem pavadīs tak nestāstīsi par saviem nūģiskajiem ģimenes plāniem. Ne tā. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:7244 2008-05-03T00:46:00 2008-05-03T00:46:00 2008-05-02T21:51:31Z 2008-05-02T21:51:31Z "Ir smagi skatīties, ka tev ir sāpīgi, zinot, ka tajā ir arī daļa no manis. Es tiešām vēlētos, lai tu tomēr spētu kļūt laimīga un ieraudzītu siltumu apkārt". Un šoreiz tas iekoda. Izlīda ļaunais dēmons no aizauss un iečukstēja neizteiktu atbildi 'un nez kā tu justos, ja zinātu, ka visas pūles veltīgas - tā, zara galā, ko?' Tikai spēle ar domu, protams. Nenopietna. Bet arī ne īsti aizgrūžama un par nebijušu padarāma... Un tie vārdi - ir dzirdēts kas tāds agrāk, bet nekad nav tik... bezcerīgu padevīgu padošanos ieslēdzis, tik uzskatāmi iebžis degunā, ka jā, es nemāku būt laimīga. Kaut arī man ir viss, ko tam varētu vajadzēt. Ipod RND as a reading urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:7023 2008-04-24T15:01:00 2008-04-24T15:01:00 2008-04-24T14:22:42Z 2008-04-24T14:22:42Z Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug Dancing with the devil's past has never been too fun It's better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun And she cries: Hey baby can you bleed like me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me? You should see my scars Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend Zīmes. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:6690 2008-04-21T22:12:00 2008-04-21T22:12:00 2008-04-21T19:20:02Z 2008-04-21T19:20:02Z Vai zīmes, kas dīvaini atkārtojas cenšas tev ko pateikt? Vai varbūt vienkārši pats sev ko centies pateikt, tās ieraugot atkal un atkal. "Vai vārna turpinās, līdz sapratīsi, kas tai sakāms, vai tai pie astes saproti, nesaproti, ka tik ziņa nodota?" Abi. Neviens. Tā vienkārši atgādina, ka jāapstājas, jāapgriežas otrādi un jāsaņem drosme vēlreiz ietīties savā ēnā. Jo aizmirsusi esmu, ko pēdējoreiz tur iemācījos. Atceros tikai, ka toreiz sāpēja. Sāpēja tik ļoti, ka bailes no ēnas kļuva nenozīmīgas. Jā, esmu to satikusi. Bet aizmirsusi, aizmirsusi mācību. Vai tiešām to atgūt var tikai atkārtojot? Baidos. Un ērti aizstumju domas tālāk. Jo labi jau šobrīd, tieši šobrīd ir labi. Un ne mazākās vēlmes sevi lieki mocīt... Labprātāk mazliet pieciešo neērtības, nevis piepūlos šķēršļus novērst. Jēls. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:6463 2008-04-15T23:29:00 2008-04-15T23:29:00 2008-04-15T20:30:12Z 2008-04-15T20:30:12Z Un atkal sāļa jēluma garša starp ribām. A likās, viss jau beidzot garām. Garlaicīga dzīve? urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:cyrain:6196 2008-04-14T18:36:00 2008-04-14T18:36:00 2008-04-14T15:37:21Z 2008-04-14T15:37:21Z "Atrodi kādu interesantu sabiedrisku nodarbi" mēdz ieteikt. Kādu grupveidīgu sporta veidu, cibsieviešu populārās vēderdejas (vai kādas citas dejas), jogu, kādu kvazikristīgo draudzi vai jebkuras citas reliģijas atbilstošu formējumu vai kādu biš zinātniskāk pamatotu grupu terapiju. Ta kaut jaunu valodu apgūt, biš pie studijām atgriezties, vai vismaz korī sākt dziedāt (pie viena lepnumu un individualitāti apspiestu kārtīgi). Kam tas. Kam vēl vienu baru cilvēku, kuru par-manu-interesantāko-dzīvi kārtējo reizi vērot no malas? Un ja vēl jebkam tādam jātrauj laiks tam cilvēkam, kas ir mājās? Tam, kurš visai pamatoti justos sāpināts jau tikai zinot, ka tādas domas pa prātu viņa līdzcilvēkam virmo? Kur nu vēl, ja būtu spiests pieciest palikšanu vienam laiku pa laikam, kamēr es nejēdzīgi mēģinu sevi ielīmēt vidēs, kurās šā vai tā esmu un palieku svešķermenis? Adaptācija ir lieliska lieta. "Ko velcies pakaļ" sāp vairāk par iemeslu, ko kāds min lai nedotos tev līdz. Un pat "Kur tu mani atvilki" var dzēst ar atgādinājumu par brīvo gribu. Bet pret aukstumu vispakārt tas nepalīdz, pat ja aiz loga jau atkal pavasaris.<a name="cutid1"></a>Un drīz pēc tam - tas gadalaiks, kad sev atkal varēs sākt pārmest drosmes nesaņemšanu vienkāršai un takš it kā relatīvi nemaz ne tik nepatīkamai laicīgai nosalšanai tais gadalaikos, kas šādai nodarbei šais platuma grādos piemēroti. Smieklīgi, bet attur kaut vai bailes no apsaldējumiem, no iebūvētā adaptācijas-centralizājas mehānisma cītīgas kāju un roku pirkstu upurēšanas mazliet ilgāku vitālo funkciju saglabāšanas vārdā. Un, protams, protams Permanent Brain Damage ir briesmīgs vārdu salikums. Brīvprātīgi panākt pārējo vitālo funkciju apstāšanos vienlaicīgi neiniciējot neatgriezenisku smadzeņu atmiršanas sākumu laikam nav iespējams nekā. Un nē, es pat nemeloju, kad saku 'man viss ir lieliski'. Šī ir tikai galvenās straumes atstraume. Doma, kas līdzās bijusi gadiem... gan ar pārtraukumiem, jā. Lai gan drīzāk jau vienkārši ar vienu vienīgu pārtraukumu nepilna pusgada garumā. Vienu tik garu, pret cik... 12 gadiem? Bet patiesībā viss ir lieliski un man nav par ko sūdzēties. I'm just venting here, no worries.