5:41pm:
“When you’re a teenager and in your early twenties it seems desperately eternal and excruciatingly painful. Whereas as you grow older you realise that most things are excruciatingly painful and that is the human condition. Most of us continue to survive because we’re convinced that somewhere along the line, with grit and determination and perseverance, we will end up in some magical union with somebody. It’s a fallacy, of course, but it’s a form of religion. You have to believe. There is a light that never goes out and it’s called hope.”
— Morrissey
8:13pm:
man liekas, ka visas filmas lielakoties ir par vienu un to pashu: virieshiem un skaistam sievietem, skaistam sievietem un virieshiem. laikam tapec taas tik biezhi kaitina, jo nespeju identificeties un lidz ar to atrast kadu sakeres punktu, kas radiitu patiesu lidzpardzivojumu.
8:15pm:
kaut kas ir jasak darit ar sho kermeni. pietiek seerot. nebija iisti labi pamest visu novarta, i know, bet es vienkarshi nespeju savadak. es tiesham meginaju paris reizes atgriezties pie seno laiku aktivitates, bet, ja prats atsakas sekot lidzi un gribas nav, vienkarshi nav, tad mana gadijuma tas vienkarshi nebija iespejams. tik visaptverosha un pie zemes spiedosha bezjedzibas sajuuta, ka taa izradijas stipraka. neteikshu, ka jeega ir atradusies. nav. tikai elementars izdzivoshanas instinkts arvien uzstajigak chukst ausii, ka beidzamais laiks celties un meginat atkal iet uz priekshu. kur? da hrenviņzin. bet augsha jacelas, citadi nosals pavisam.
11:17pm: shobrid
man ta patiktos, ja man kads noskupstitu muguru. tieshi tur, kur saap, kur beidzas spranda un saakas lapstinas. man liekas, ka taas nervu saapes liela mera arii ir no taa - no glaastu trukuma. jaa, jaa, i know, hocus-pocus thinking etc. neesmu tik tereta, lai domatu, ka tas ir TIKAI no taa. of koors, man tur skolioze un droshvien ka nospiesti nervu gali. jaa, bet. man vispar kakls un plecu zona ir viserogenaka zona, tikai nekad nav bijusi izdeviba to nevienam pastastit. sava laika meginaju T., bet vins laikam ta isti neuztvera. kaut ko tur vienreiz nobuchoja un meta mieru, which doesn't count really. redz, taa jau ir, ja cilveku nemiil, nav taas pilnigi passaprotamas velmes dariit visu, izzinat visu un likt justies laimigam. bet ko nu par to.
labaa roka, labaa roka - smeldz un deg. blag, bet pie doka ta isti nav iekariena iet, for various embarrassing reasons. kad shim zvaniju, bija pagiras, plus neko no taa visa, ko vins man lika dzert, nedzeeru. ta vieta akal seezhu un dzeru stipro. kaut kaa tach tie vakari janobeidz, nu. es ceru, ka vins man nepisiis smadzenes. es ceru, ka vins mani vienkarsi pisiis. ups.
11:33pm:
vsp man skiet, nee, es zinu, ka pa shiem diviem gadiem (pisies dirst ar saviem diviem gadiem, apniki jau. - whatever.) esmu khm.. degradejusies. bet, i mean, there is a valid reason for this. the reason being what Morrissey said - about the light that never goes out. i think it did - for me it did. it's not just about T., no, it's about that light in general. i am too old to sustain it any longer. i am too tired. i just want to make peace with the fact that i am to remain homeless. men come and go - vakar, nee, aizvakar pat atkal uzradaas maarlijs, atkal pargulejam (yeah, two-night stand..) - kind of jauki, bet dispassionately. i don't know, maybe i could keep him as my lover. es tachu gribeju loveri, vai ne? nu luuk, this would be my opportunity. i don't know. yes, i guess i could. man skiet, vins ari ir vientuls un kind of miserable un desperate. tikai.. es juutos tik veca ar vinu. seriously. lai gan esam viena vecuma, es juutos vecaka, un man taa ir pilnigi nebijusi pieredze, kuraa laikam vel nejuutos isti komfortabli.
11:45pm:
starpcit, par to nemitigo domasanu par izskatu un taa.. nu to, ko rakstiju ieprieks, ka sievietes nevar abstraheties. tur bija viens feeleris - tieshi milejoties var. var abstraheties. es vismaz varu. laikam tapec man tas patiik - ne tik daudz tiiri fiziskas baudas deelj, bet tieshi shii ipashaa psihoemocionala stavokla del, kad par to vienkarsi aizmirsti. es nez, man taa vismaz ir. un aizmirstu es trijos gadijumos: kad dejoju, kad vingroju (preferably, skrienu) un kad milejos. katraa no shim darbibam ir tada ipasha brivibas garsha, un vissaldaka taa ir, milejoties ar cilveku, kuru miili. es juus apskauzhu - visus, kam taa ir, jo tas ir vienkarsi awesome.