ad_nauseam's Journal

1:20am: you see, i've had all of that. but the question is HOW TO LIVE AFTER THAT. is there a love after love? i don't know. that's what i'm trying to find. yeah, but not really. because i'm not searching. i can't. when you've had that one person who gets you on ALL levels - how can you trump that?
that's a big question for 2012. etc.

1:25am: aha. yeah. so i've had a bottle. that's why i'm incoherent. otherwise i'm all sound and good. bless ya.

4:34pm: last one
i am tired. of thinking of you and of waking up and falling to sleep and going around with this pain and sadness. it's marginal in the global scheme of things, of course i know that. "i am not stupid" as you used to say. but i just can't go on like this. i guess i will never get that one explanation or that one proper good-bye from you, so i have to let it go.
2011? a whole year without you. the first one. slightly more than a year ago we were still talking on the phone and making plans for going to portugal and what not. leaving all this behind and starting a new life. and your words "if would ever do such a thing, then definitely with you". or something to that effect. i cherished those words, which in the end turned out to mean nothing. then you said you would maybe come for christmas to riga, so we could meet. and that was it. i called you in february. you didn't answer. didn't send any apologetic sms afterwards as you always, always used to do. no e-mail either. nothing. and you know, i don't even care anymore if you are with someone, married, dead or alive. (you are alive and thriving. i saw it. this summer) or if i loved you or how much you meant to me. all of that has been slowly and painfully turned into meaninglessness. because by leaving like that you took a big fat shit on everything that was beautiful and special and memorable to me. and i just have to live with it, and so i will. but one thing before i go - if i were you, i would never, ever cross my path again. because i might just tear your balls off and hang them around your neck. just saying.
happy new year!