Garastāvoklis:	depressed
Mūzika:	shiver by coldplay

huh
l'oiseau

so. it is a new year. and i am feeling rather low and depressed. i think it has been building up slowly over the past week or so. might have started when i had a long conversation with sister, cried and realized how shitty things are. could be worse, but anyway. also have had arguments with mum, so i feel like everything is more or less fucked up. in the last 27 hours i have slept for about an hour, and i am running on multiple energy drinks right now. feel kind of shit, might just type this up and go to bed. today i had the last straw with a friend, i feel so fucking under valued that i cannot put up with this shit anymore. feels like i am putting in way too much effort and getting nothing back. might sound selfish, but a friendship should have effort from both sides. i know i am guilty myself of fucking this dynamic up with other friends, but this one friendship is just too much, i am getting so bloody angry and i feel like i care a lot and it hurts me, but at the same time i feel like i have no problem with just telling him to fuck off completely (well, almost completely)? i do not know how to act. i wanted to send him an audio message and explain everything calmly, because i feel like i cannot have a normal conversation with him about all this in real life. fuck this. also talked with luna, i just feel like i am fucking up the friendship with her as well, everything is just a bloody mess. i do not want to exist. everything is too much. all these meetings with friends were in a way just escapism from these goddamned thoughts. and now here they fucking are. i just feel like a dissappointment to myself. a year and a half of therapy, and i feel like i am back at the starting point (not literally). i am hurt but at the same time i do not somehow care? i cannot explain this. feels like "ah yes, everything went to shit, just as i have been expecting, because i am obviously unworthy of good things and am just a screw up, time to go rot in a cave". i hate being in this dark place. i am so messed up that i end up caring more about people who do not matter as much and forgetting those who do. i cannot appreciate what i already have. i am such a mess. i hate everything. why cannot i just sleep and sleep and sleep? i do not want to face the reality and the world. again i am ranting about my bloody problems. and i have just covered the tip of the iceberg here. goddamn. i have to become more independent. fuck the others. when will i be able to focus on myself finally? who the fuck knows.